This weekend has been crazy. Half of the time has been me freaking out about this pregnancy and it’s demise and half of it I have been doing stuff with the in-laws. We went over to eat dinner at their place wednesday night, spent all day thanksgiving there, went over friday evening for dinner until 10 and then they came over to see our place today and we will be going to have dinner again at the in-laws house. If they weren’t here I would have spent the whole weekend doing what I have been doing when I am not with them – moping around the house, lying around in bed with the cat, crying, being depressed. Hubby isn’t sure what to do with me. He says he is not good with dealing with emotions. I think he has done pretty well. He made me pancakes for breakfast, and is always there for a hug or a snuggle, or to give me a tissue. It’s been hard plastering a smile on my face for family, but I don’t think they have noticed yet.
Tomorrow I go in to get another beta. I am nervous. I was feeling pregnancy symptoms – or at least I think I was – more so wednesday through friday. I was very headachey, and if I didn’t eat frequently enough I got nauseous. I even woke up nauseous one morning until I ate some bread. However, today I haven’t really felt anything. I’m tired and teary, but it’s probably because of the stress and what I’m going through. *shrugs* It makes me think that my blood work tomorrow will not be as good and will not have doubled. Though I did start eating more and maybe I just had a one day bug or something. I don’t know. Still always on my mind making me anxious.
I’ve also been getting a little mad at my RE’s office. I know they have to tell me the worst case scenario and it can be a dangerous situation, but why did they have me come in if they knew they wouldn’t be able to see anything on ultrasound if my hcg levels were too low? Just to stress me out? I have been telling them for the longest time that I think there is something wrong with my progesterone because my lining is always thin – it never gets higher than high 6mm. I have asked for estrace or something to help with that and I never was given it. It makes me wonder if they had listened to me if I would be in this situation. Also, they said my lining was thin during my scan and it was with an RE that I have never met before. My lining is always thin and I spotted for a couple of days at the beginning. So of course it’s thin. I didn’t ask my lining numbers, but it makes me grumpy. I don’t know maybe I’m just projecting and trying to blame someone because of this crappy situation.
They said they wanted me to hang around nearby the office tomorrow in case numbers don’t go up so I can get the shot to end the pregnancy. I’m not sure I want the shot yet. If my numbers do get anywhere near doubling I want to see an ultrasound to check. I have had a very tiny amount of cramping on my right side today (the side I ovulated) which makes me even more nervous about it being ectopic, but it’s barely there and not there all the time. I just want to be sure. Though I don’t want to have to have surgery.
So I guess tomorrow will tell us the next step on this crappy ride. Luckily, they are only open a couple of hours tomorrow so I won’t have to wait all day. I am not sure what I am going to do monday/tuesday if they double. I am thinking about possibly taking a day off if I do get the ultrasound because I will probably be upset.
Many of you have mentioned a girl who blogged who went through something similar to what I am going through now. She got the shot and then found out that her pregnancy was viable after all. Does anyone have the url to her blog? Do you know how they found out it was viable? I’d like to learn more.
I also wanted to thank all of you for being with me during this journey. It’s been painful, but your comments, emails, and tweets have helped. I am sorry that I have gotten a bit behind in reading all your blogs. I’m just not in the right frame of mind to leave positive comments and encouragement. I hope all of you are doing well.
- Posted in: Infertility