This weekend has been crazy. Half of the time has been me freaking out about this pregnancy and it’s demise and half of it I have been doing stuff with the in-laws. We went over to eat dinner at their place wednesday night, spent all day thanksgiving there, went over friday evening for dinner until 10 and then they came over to see our place today and we will be going to have dinner again at the in-laws house. If they weren’t here I would have spent the whole weekend doing what I have been doing when I am not with them – moping around the house, lying around in bed with the cat, crying, being depressed. Hubby isn’t sure what to do with me. He says he is not good with dealing with emotions. I think he has done pretty well. He made me pancakes for breakfast, and is always there for a hug or a snuggle, or to give me a tissue. It’s been hard plastering a smile on my face for family, but I don’t think they have noticed yet.

Tomorrow I go in to get another beta. I am nervous. I was feeling pregnancy symptoms – or at least I think I was – more so wednesday through friday. I was very headachey, and if I didn’t eat frequently enough I got nauseous. I even woke up nauseous one morning until I ate some bread. However, today I haven’t really felt anything. I’m tired and teary, but it’s probably because of the stress and what I’m going through. *shrugs* It makes me think that my blood work tomorrow will not be as good and will not have doubled. Though I did start eating more and maybe I just had a one day bug or something. I don’t know. Still always on my mind making me anxious.

I’ve also been getting a little mad at my RE’s office. I know they have to tell me the worst case scenario and it can be a dangerous situation, but why did they have me come in if they knew they wouldn’t be able to see anything on ultrasound if my hcg levels were too low? Just to stress me out? I have been telling them for the longest time that I think there is something wrong with my progesterone because my lining is always thin – it never gets higher than high 6mm. I have asked for estrace or something to help with that and I never was given it. It makes me wonder if they had listened to me if I would be in this situation. Also, they said my lining was thin during my scan and it was with an RE that I have never met before. My lining is always thin and I spotted for a couple of days at the beginning. So of course it’s thin. I didn’t ask my lining numbers, but it makes me grumpy. I don’t know maybe I’m just projecting and trying to blame someone because of this crappy situation.

They said they wanted me to hang around nearby the office tomorrow in case numbers don’t go up so I can get the shot to end the pregnancy. I’m not sure I want the shot yet. If my numbers do get anywhere near doubling I want to see an ultrasound to check. I have had a very tiny amount of cramping on my right side today (the side I ovulated) which makes me even more nervous about it being ectopic, but it’s barely there and not there all the time. I just want to be sure. Though I don’t want to have to have surgery.

So I guess tomorrow will tell us the next step on this crappy ride. Luckily, they are only open a couple of hours tomorrow so I won’t have to wait all day. I am not sure what I am going to do monday/tuesday if they double. I am thinking about possibly taking a day off if I do get the ultrasound because I will probably be upset.

Many of you have mentioned a girl who blogged who went through something similar to what I am going through now. She got the shot and then found out that her pregnancy was viable after all. Does anyone have the url to her blog? Do you know how they found out it was viable? I’d like to learn more.

I also wanted to thank all of you for being with me during this journey. It’s been painful, but your comments, emails, and tweets have helped. I am sorry that I have gotten a bit behind in reading all your blogs. I’m just not in the right frame of mind to leave positive comments and encouragement. I hope all of you are doing well.



  1. LFL, so far it’s still going up like it should so that means it’s okay for you to still have hope! i know being so busy has kept you from moping around like you’d like to do, but it’s a blessing in disguise that you’ve been occupied. hang in there and don’t let go of that hope! i am sending you every positive vibe, thought, prayer, dust, etc. for good news tomorrow. ((( h u g s )))

  2. FCblacksheep

    Sending you the biggest hugs I can. Your numbers so far (except the progesterone) have been good and in my opinion there’s no reason to think they haven’t gone up still. I like how you’re being an advocate for yourself and you’re determined to see this through. Stay strong.

    You can think about the ultrasound thing another way, they wouldn’t be monitoring you so closely and having you come in so much if they didn’t think there was some chance everything is good. It’s possible. My RE was talking to me today about my LH levels and she said “that’s not to say I haven’t seen it happen before, but when you’ve been in this business as long as me, anything is possible.”

    Thinking of you and wishing you the best tomorrow. I want this to be it for you so much.

  3. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you! I hope this turns out to be good news tomorrow!

  4. Well done for staying strong, hang in there and I hope everything will work out for you. Good luck tomorrow and take care.

  5. Been thinking of you.

    It does seem odd that they haven’t been proactive with estrogen, or estrogen+progesterone to help your lining.

    I have to agree with you — until you have a high enough beta that you can expect to see a gestational sac, it seems premature to consider a shot of methotrexate.

    And the cramps can come from all over your abdomen with a regular early pregnancy, so don’t worry about feeling one in a particular spot. *hugs*

  6. Oh how I hate that you have to go through this. I agree though, that until your betas are high enough to see a gestational sac, it’s premature to be given a shot.

    Perhaps *if* things don’t work out, you’ll want to look into another RE. If you don’t feel like they’ve been listening to your concerns, that’s certainly a valid reason.

    I wish I could push fast forward so you would know what’s going on. I’m glad that DH is helping you through this. Take all the time you need to be upset with the ambiguity. It’s hell. Don’t give up yet though.

  7. Well, honestly, what is bothering me with your RE right now is that everyone is acting doomsday, even tho you have EVERY REASON to hope this is a viable pregnancy. Your numbers are doubling. Your progesterone is not thru the roof, but it rose and it’s staying in that neighborhood.

    I think they are monitoring you very carefully and that is prudent and wise. I hope you can keep distracted and do hope so badly you see a little gestational sac tomorrow. FYI, when I went in at 4w6d for my first u/s (when my Beta numbers should’ve been past 1000), there was only one sac on the screen. Baby B hadn’t shown up yet. Just an fyi that these super early ultrasounds are exactly that….super early. Also, I only had two Betas but only got and ALMOST double in 48 hours (it was about 10 pts shy of doubling)…and again, there are two poppyseeds in there. It’s not an exact science.

    Hang in there LFL. I’m thinking of you SO MUCH right now and WILLING that screen and those blood work numbers to show you exactly what every single one of us prays and hopes it will be. Stay strong. We will keep the hope alive for you. xoxo

  8. Here is the blog/post:

    I still have my fingers crossed…

  9. I am so sorry you are going through this. This should be a joyful time for you. I wish that your RE’s office wasn’t so doom and gloom, but I do understand they want to prepare you for the worst. If it were me and I was in your situation, I would ask them if waiting until Monday or Tuesday and doing another round of bloodwork and another u/s would cause you to have to have surgery instead of the shot in an ectopic pregnancy. I am saying prayers for you that everything will be clear and the decision will be made obvious. Also, that you will not be anxious.

  10. Jen

    wow, I’m just getting caught up on your last few posts. I can only imagine how stressful this must be. I wish you much luck at your appt tomorrow. I hope you find out GREAT news!

  11. Oh, hon, I can’t believe what a ride you’ve had! This is crazy! But I am so, so excited you are pregnant! It’s a huge step! I’ve read several different times that fertility rises after a miscarriage or ectopic, and you’re more likely to get pregnant in the first three months afterwards. I finally got preg after my first BPF and miscarriage.
    However, I’m still hoping this is the one! I don’t know much about progesterone levels, except like you, I KNEW I needed it. When they finally started giving it to me was when I finally got preg. They tried to discontinue it early on and my progesterone levels plummeted and I started spotting. As soon as they re-started it, everything went back to good. So follow your gut! INSIST on getting what you need!
    I”m sorry this waiting is so hard. The holidays must’ve been so hard to get through. I’ll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for you and bebe the next few days! Holding on to hope for you both! And I have to tell you again, I’m SO happy you got a BFP!! 🙂

  12. Nic

    Def read this post

    It is upsetting, you maybe in a completely different situation but I want you to be checked with a proper US before you have the shot.

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