As I feared, my beta was negative. I started feeling like my period was coming on Sunday and the past few days, but even more so yesterday. Yesterday before leaving work there were some red flakes in my urine, but no spotting. However, by the time I got home I had a little spotting. Then the spotting went away, but then came back again a little bit this morning. That coupled with a bfn home test and a bfn blood test, I’m definitley not pregnant. This completly blows.

I had my major cry fest yesterday afternoon and then again when my husband got home from work. Silly husband won’t let me become a so I could just become pregnant already. For dinner last night we went out to chinese and I ate a lot of sushi and this morning I had caffiene for the first time in two weeks. Tonight I’m going to have a huge sonic lime-aid with lots of artifical sweetners. I feel like I’m doing pretty well with being completly pissed and sad this didn’t work. Of course the emotions are there and I’m upset, but I’m still taking one step after another. I’m acting cheery at work. I’m planning things. I’m sure I will have another tear fest, but after that I will keep on going. I got a bonus at work that I was going to put towards some disney tickets when I will be there for a conference next spring. However, I started thinking that I might put it towards going away for a weekend and staying in a hotel with the hubs. That might be nice.

As far as the next cycle I have some options. I would be paying for ivf out of pocket, which sucks and I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet. The nurse mentioned something about a research project sorta thing they are doing at my center. She said they are really good at freezing embroys, but not as confidient with freezing eggs. So she said if I did their study it would be half price a normal ivf and if it didn’t work then I would get a free ivf cycle out of it. I’m not sure I’m ready for it and if I was I don’t know if I want to put myself through something that isn’t certain to possibly have to do it again.

We are thinking of repeating this cycle. However, when planning in my head I realized November is a busy month. We have thanksgiving and both of our grandmother’s are turning 90 and are going to have a family get together. So that makes three busy weekends. Last time I was on birth control for six months which would make it hard. I was thinking of possibly taking a break this month and trying naturally and then going on birth control so that my cycle wouldn’t be affected by crazy time. However, when talking to the nurse she said that I could be on birth control just two weeks and then start Lupron on the third week. That is a much shorter period of time and she thinks I might be done by thanksgiving. So that’s something else I would have to think about.

On top of all the craziness my husband had to go out of town today and won’t be back till thursday night or friday. So send me some happy vibes so that I keep rising above all the crap.

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  1. Ohhhhh, LFL. I am so sad for you. Biggest hugs ever sweet friend. I know this sucks.

    I would definitely look into the discounted IVF option they have. Maybe it’s not right for you, but learning about it would definitely help you look forward and fine tune how you want to approach your next medicated cycle.

    And if you decide to go au naturel next time, so be it! There have been a lot of surprise BFPs in natural cycles lately. If you ovulate naturally (check) and hubs has good swimmers (check) then it’s totally possible for you, TOO.

    Hang in there LFL, I’m thinking of you. xo

    • I don’t ovulate normally so I doubt doing natural would work, but I was thinking of taking a break month. However, if I only have to be on bcp’s for two weeks than I might not take one.

  2. I’m so sorry about your BFN. (((hugs))) and try to do something nice for yourself girlie.

  3. Oh, no, no, no. I just KNEW this was your cycle! I fully expected to log on to a beta number today! I’m really shocked, so surprised.
    But – this has been your best cycle yet. You have a lot to decide! I’d be tempted to repeat this cycle, too. But the research project is a really cool idea! One thing I’ve learned is each cycle, each round, we learn something different that we want to do differently or tweak the next cycle. Even if you weren’t successful the research cycle, you’d get your “test” cycle out of the way! When you went for your free cycle, you’d already know exactly how to run it!
    I’m so sorry hubby can’t be there with you. After each BFN, all I wanted to do was be with Troy. Even mom wouldn’t do. I can’t imagine going through it without him. I wish your boy could be there for ya. Thinking of you, sending lots of happy vibes your way.

  4. what?! nooooooo! LFL, i swore this was IT for you! omg, i’m so so so sorry! and i’m extra sorry that your DH is leaving for out of town. 😦 huge hugs.

    i know you have some tough decisions to make, but we’re all here to listen and support you when ever you need it.


  5. awwww, i’m so sorry. there really are no words that will make you feel better, I know. I will continue to pray for you!!!

  6. Oh no … I am SO sorry it didn’t work. I am sending you lots of happy vibes and strength to get through this difficult time. I know nothing anyone says will make it all okay, but please know I’m thinking of you and wish there was something I could do. Actually, I know I’m relatively nearby you, so please let me know if you need to vent or one day grab some tea or something. *big hugs*

  7. AL

    I”m so sorry for the negative, LFL.

  8. Jem

    Well, bummer! I’m glad you are already thinking of the future! Do take care of yourself and be good to your man.

  9. FCblacksheep

    Damn. This sucks. I am so sorry. You sound good though (well, as good as can be expected). That’s important. And it sounds like you have options, which is good. A break month might not be a bad idea. I know for me it always makes me feel rejuvenated when I get back in. The heartbreak is easier to deal with. And you’ve been going straight through right? That’s tough.

    Sending you all the happy vibes I got. And truly, I’m so sorry.

  10. so sorry about your BFN. I know how much that sucks.

  11. Ugh, I”m so sorry. I’m also dealing with a BFN for this cycle. We are moving directly into another one, but also am thinking down the line about navigating through the holidays.

  12. Kristen

    So sorry for your BFN:( You need to pamper yourself- sounds like you have had a crappy week. I hope you and your hubby have a quite weekend together. Hang in there, thinking about you. ((HUGS))

  13. Well, poo! I am so sorry that this cycle wasn’t the one for you. It was good to get a good solid cycle under your belt, I suppose, because at least you know that under the right circumstances and with the right meds you CAN make it this far. It also sounds like a quick turnaround time of just a couple weeks on BCPs is a really great plan. I truly think the best way to move forward is to just jump back in the saddle. But, I also know that not everyone feels that way. I just hope that you do what feels right to you and the hubs. Sending hugs your way!!

  14. Boo..this does blow! *hugs*
    The half price IVF sounds awesome but if you don’t feel ready, don’t do it.
    I’m sure you will come up with a decision that works for you.
    Again.. I am so sorry Infertility SUCKS!

  15. LFL, that absolutely blows! BLOWS! Sigh. I’m so, so, so sorry that you didn’t get your BFP. 😦 *hugs*

  16. Nic

    I’m so sorry, you responded so well on this protocol. This doesn’t mean that it won’t work if you try again, whether that’s in a few weeks or after a months break.
    Thinking of you. X

  17. I’m so sorry this wasn’t your cycle. I always think that even with all the drugs/IUI it really puts us at a level playing field (maybe with slight advantage) over fertile people. It takes a few tries sometimes, unfortunately, but this is all good information for your RE and he’ll come up with a plan for you to have even greater odds next time.

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