The night before

I’ve been quiet on my blog and in the IF universe lately. I have been busy at work and starting to get nervous about my sono that is tomorrow afternoon. I was just going to post after it was done, but I felt like posting today. I found that with my upcoming sono and my weird period I have been way stressed before this cycle has even really started. It hasn’t been fun. When feeling stressed, grumpy, anxious I have stayed away from commenting a bit. I felt like I was in a place where I wasn’t ready to give happiness and support to others because I was stuck in my funk. I’m slowly coming out of that funk, thank goodness and have started responding to my 106 entries I have to read. Yea, I’m behind.

I had my baseline on tuesday morning and I didn’t come out happy. I got the woman who I like the least for my scans. First of all she couldn’t find either of my ovaries. Come on! I know I’m a hard scan and my stomach was feeling upset, but not even one ovary? Gah. Then I mentioned that I was having my sono on thursday. Her response? “You? Your going to have a sono? Do you have drugs?” I was like yea. She was like what strength, are they going to be enough?” I was like geez. I should have said something to her about being a mean head. It made me feel like she didn’t even have the confidence that I could do it. Yes, I know I have a lot of anxiety towards this and haven’t done that well in the past, but I’m going to be on valium and I’m going to put out the confidence and try it. At least she could have been nice about it. Am I overreacting? Maybe, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. Though the more that I think about it the more I want to kick ass and show her that she was wrong. By the way I start my follistim tonight at one click above 50.

I am nervous about tomorrow, but I keep thinking about what is actually going to happen. I have done the speculum thing (well briefly when I can tolerate it) and I have done the transvaginal ultrasound many times. I just have to deal with the whole catheter thing and them squirting stuff up there. I’m hoping my crazy nervousness doesn’t over power the valium. Yes, I know for many of you this test is no big deal and I’m hoping that it’s not for me either, but yea I always freak out about this stuff. I have doctor anxiety. I keep trying to focus on the end result. That I will find something out about my lining and that when it is over I will be able to be so proud of myself and feel so awesome that I accomplished it. It makes me want to sing that Mil.ey Cy.rus song. However, if for some reason I am not able to do it I hope that I am able to come back here and tell you guys that I tried my best and that it didn’t happen with out feeling too bad. All I can do is try and hope that the drugs do it’s job and all goes well.

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17 Comments

  1. Chicago Girl

    I’ve never commented before but I wanted you to know that:

    1. That nurse is a psycho

    2. You’re totally right, you just have to give it your best shot- you know what your limit is and no one else should be able to negotiate that for you

    3. I’m your sono sister- I just had one today to look for polyps…. honestly, it wasn’t a fun 5 minutes but that’s all it was- 5 minutes- maybe even less- Honestly, I’m no champion of pain but I breathed a lot of long deep breaths, closed my eyes, grabbed the nurses hand and whimpered a little bit and then it was over. What did I get for those 5 minutes? Some answers that will hopefully alleviate some of those worries that keep me up at night wondering what the hell is going on with my body…and that’s what I hope you get tomorrow too!

    Best wishes, I’ll be thinking about you!!

    • Thank you so much for your comment. I’m glad I wasn’t overreacting too much to that nurse. I’m also glad that your sono went well even though it wasn’t the most comfortable thing. I hope that I am able to grin and bear it, be done quickly, and get all the answers they need.

  2. Good luck tomorrow! I will be thinking of you.

  3. hollytraveling

    You’re not overacting to that nurse. It was insensitive. You’re right. All you have to do is try, and if it’s this hard for you and you’re still willing to try, that says a lot. It means you’re a lot stronger and a heck of a lot braver than just the average lady taking that test, because you’re conquering so much just to get there. I’m wishing you the best and sending you all the extra strength I have. If it works out, you get some answers either way, and if it doesn’t, you shouldn’t feel bad about that.

    Fingers crossed.

    • Thanks so much for your support. It really means a lot. I hope I do get some good answers tomorrow.

  4. Jen

    good luck. you can do it!!!!!!!!!!

  5. AL

    Good luck, LFL! It’s not so bad, just think of something funny to distract yourself….like….umm…monkeys? Or something? Just concentrate on kicking ass and showing that nurse how awesome you are. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

  6. Good Luck tomorrow. You can do it! What a terrible nurse. Forget her.
    Let us know when your all done. And get yourself something nice when its over.

    • Thanks! I am hoping to be able to feel ok enough when it’s over to go out to a yummy dinner to celebrate a few hours later.

  7. You are definitely not over-reacting — that nurse sounds like a jerk. I hope that everything goes well this afternoon. I think you’re already showing how brave you are by handling your anxiety so well and still pushing through it. Just do your best at the sono and if it becomes too much then don’t worry, you can stop. You will know that you gave it your all. I will keep everything crossed that you can get through it and get some answers! I will be thinking of you!

  8. I hope everything goes very well for you today! I know the feeling of uncontrollable nervousness. My HSG went just fine – a little cramping but pretty easy – but needles are another story. I know they don’t hurt much and are over quickly but I get so freaked out before and during. Irrational fears suck :/

    Thinking of you!

  9. EC

    I think it’s horrible she said that!!! She should be encouraging, instead of filling you with more doubt. 😦 I think that was really out of line.

    I will be thinking of you today! You can totally do this – and when it’s over, you’ll be able to put it behind you and know you have been able to work past a huge fear. Plus, you get some answers, which is so important!

    Good luck!!!

  10. I say you take that ultrasound wand and beat her with it! No joke! What a (insert dirty word here)!!!

    I hope everything goes okay today with your sono and you live to blog about it. Good luck!

  11. Good luck today my friend! I am thinking of you. You can do it!!!

    PS Feel free to email me about lining. I have A LOT to say about it.

  12. Good luck today!! I know you’re going to rock it, thinking of you!!

  13. I know how scary this is, but I think it will be okay… I really hope the valium did the trick, and that by now you are safely on the other side.

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