Tales Of My Follies

I just had an interview today and it went pretty well. However, in the interview I found out that there will be some travel. It will all be in state and probably won’t be for the first couple of months. However, if I am going to start injectables where you have to go in for scans more often, this makes me nervous. I could do part time, but that could mean that I just work full days for half of the week. Would you guys still take this position? I am nervous that appointments will pop up on days that I will have to be in the different office. Husband thinks I could do it and just work around it, but I’m not so sure. What do you think? We are not hurting so I don’t have to take the job, I just was hoping to do something at least part time. My mother thinks that I should mention something if I get a second interview about being treated for something and needing regular appointments to treat it so that I’m being honest and especially if I turn it down so they don’t think I have an attitude and then never call again for a different position. I’m not sure. It’s just hard because this position is in a place where I would love to work and has a lot of opportunity to grow and move into other things. However, I’m just not sure if this is the position to do it in. But I don’t want to miss my chance of getting in the company.

Grrrrrr. Just got off the phone with a nurse from my RE’s office. It was negative, I knew that. I am ok with that. I knew that it was coming. What I am not happy about is they want me to go on bc pills again to supress!!! I hate being on a damn break month. I said that I was on a break month the one before this and I felt like it did nothing. She said well your hormone levels were all over the place before you were put on bc pills and this cycle they were better. She also said that since you have been on clomid for three months your lining is thin. She also said that she was talking to my RE and he was talking about starting me on injectables instead of clomid so that is another reason he wants me on bc pills, to give me a fresh hormonal start. Gah.

So now I have to schedule a consult with him to discuss what our next steps are going to be. I have a feeling it will just be ok, clomid didn’t work so I think we should do injectables like the nurse was saying. I’m scared that he will also bring up doing the lap again. Just thinking about it scares me. Luckily, my husband the go.v.er.nm.ent worker he is had a lot of leave time so he has the next two weeks off. So I’m going to try to schedule it so that he can come with me and maybe help some with my scaredness. I’m waiting on a call back from my patient coordinator to see when that consult will be.

So in summary. GRRrrrrr I don’t want to be on bc pills. But maybe being on injectables will make me be one of those elusive people that have a semi normal cycle that doesn’t go to day 30 to ovulate? Who knows.

*edit*
Both of my grandmothers are in the hospital. One with a dis.lo.ca.ted shoulder and one with he.ar.t and br.ea.thing issues and is being transferred to a nur.si.ng home soon for a couple of weeks. Fun day :/

Took a test this morning – beta day – an it was negative of course. Still have to go in for the blood draw. Oh boy. I hate getting up early, I want to climb back in bed. I’m feeling surprisingly ok about it. Husband says that I’m now in the acceptance phase. I think I was just depressed enough and cried enough for two days that now I”m coming out of it a little. I hope. We will see what happens when I get the phone call that it is really negative and what they want me to do this month. Probably 150 of clomid. I’ll update this space later when I get the call back.

If you don’t feel like reading a depressing entry go read a different entry elsewhere.

It all started yesterday. Yes, you know I got a negative result. Yes, it may be too early, but I doubt it. I was doing ok in the morning though I felt a bit off because of post nasal drip. However, I picked myself up and went out with the husband for the day. I was a little cranky and withdrawn when seeing some of our friends. Wasn’t really in the mood to chit chat. Husband thought I was being cranky and first thought it was my blood sugar and then realized why. Went to the mall with husband and his brother which was nice. After that we went home.

When I got home I started catching up with all of your blogs. An Lin’s announcement caught me off guard. Side note – Girl, I am totally happy for you, don’t let this entry bring you down from your high. An the tears started. Why not me? I know that I haven’t been at this as long as some of you, but it’s starting to really get me down. I am beginning to feel like all people have to do to get pregnant is be on my reading list. There has a been a big boom of pregnant infertiles and while I think that is great, I feel like I’m being left behind. Husband tried to comfort me, but didn’t know what to say. He just held me while I cried and cried until there were no more tears. But then we started talking again and there were more tears. I must have cried for at least an hour on and off. My husband said that if reading about people getting pregnant is bothering you this much, maybe you should take a break from reading them. I thought about it, but I don’t think I could. I enjoy the support and knowing that someone else is going through what I’m going through. But also, what else would I do? Right now I am a housewife who volunteers twice a week. That is my life. I have infertility and pregnancy in my brain 24/7 and it won’t get out of my head. I feel like it is pulling me down. I need to find something that will bring some happiness in my life to keep me out of my own thoughts, but I just don’t know what that thing is.

I know I am in the down slide. There are emotions that go with every part of the cycle. When you realize that the current cycle is a bust and you have to get your period and then wait to do all this crap all over again it’s not a fun time. Hopefully something good will happen soon or I will find something that makes me happy.

I woke up at 5am and realized I could finally test. I was nervous and ended up lying in bed for another 20 minutes before I actually got up to test. It of course was negative. Boo on that. I guess I have two days until it’s truly over, but I’m not sure how much hope I have that it will be positive on tuesday. Not much.

I found an interesting article online that looks at real data and statistically figures out when the best time to take a pregnancy test is. According to their results they say that you should test on the day of your expected period. That is all and dandy, except for what about us with weird cycles? I don’t know how long my luteal phase is or when I’m supposed to get my period. I doubt it will change my negative test result, but I wish I knew when to expect things.

Last night after I posted I continued to feel like af was going to show up. I kept going in the bathroom to see if I was spotting or if she was going to start soon. Around 9:30pm I went upstairs to put my progesterone in hoping that if she was going to come that it would stop it for a little bit. Weirdly, I felt positive about feeling like she was coming. It meant that I was feeling something during this 2ww and that many women who felt like they were about to get their period and had cramps like that got their bfp soon afterward. So I had everything crossed.

I had the worst time sleeping last night because I kept thinking about everything. Was she going to show? I got up to pee around 4am and she still wasn’t there. It is now 6:02pm saturday evening and she still isn’t here. Sweet. I had what felt to be menstrual cramps for a while last night, I think until the progesterone or a bit afterward. I woke up saturday morning and had more cramps that seemed a little more intense, but after I went to the bathroom I felt better and they seemed to go away. I think those were IBS cramps from what I ate for dinner last night. That makes me a little nervous. What if the cramps I had last night were just IBS cramps and not implantation cramps? I think they were different and I didn’t have that twingy feeling like af was going to come any second this morning like I did last night. So all of my fingers and toes are crossed. For today, I have had a little twingy cramp here or there, but barely anything. Nothing compared to last night or this morning.

Today we went over to my in-laws. I helped my MIL make three different kinds of cookies while husband and his dad fixed stuff around the house. We made date balls, thumb print cookies, and wreath cookies. It was fun, but standing on my feet for 4 hours made me tired and my legs a bit achy. I was glad to go home. However, now that we are home the fact that I am going to be testing tomorrow morning is on the forefront of my mind. If I could I would run upstairs right now and test, but I want it to be the first pee of the morning so I have the most chance to get a good result. I’m nervous. If it’s negative I know I will have two more days till my beta where it could be positive, but I seriously doubt that if tomorrow is negative that the beta will be any different. Who knows though. I just wish it would be sunday morning already. Although we are going to have chinese for dinner tonight and watch Coraline.

Some people don’t post every symptom they have during the 2ww so that they don’t bore readers or get their hopes up too much. I worry that I will bore my readers, but I enjoy reading back on my previous entries and comparing symptoms so I am going to continue to do it. Tonight I feel like af is coming. I feel that twinge down there and have had a bit of cramping. I have no spotting though. So hopefully af stays away and pregnancy comes my way. I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it I’m not sure when I’m actually due for a period. I started this cycle on Halloween and haven’t had a period that was not brought on medically in a while.

Today I was having a lot of trouble keeping the 2ww off my mind. I watched a lot of internet television to keep my mind busy. Thankfully the weekend is here so hopefully I will be busy and time will go by quicker. I am making cookies tomorrow! Yum. I went to Walmart earlier in the week to buy a bunch of stuff and came home with two pregnancy tests as well. I’m thinking of testing sunday morning. From reading back in my previous entries this is good. Last time I started testing at 9dpo lol. Husband doesn’t understand it, he keeps saying that I should just wait for the blood test. I want to know going in what the result will most likely be.

Happy Hannukah!

I have a kind of weird question. I know that sore bo.obs is a symptom that some women get in the 2ww when they are pregnant. In the early stages of that do you feel it all the time or is it a once in a while thing? I know I am grasping at straws here *grins*, but last night my bo.obs were a little sore. They felt like someone was poking at me from the inside and it was warm. However, this only lasted for about twenty minutes or so and then went away. Or I will feel a warm squeeze feeling on one bo.ob and then it will go away. I also felt a little like af was coming soon, but that went away as well. I never get sore bo.obs when af is coming so I have no idea, or maybe I just never noticed lol. Has this happened to you or am I just a bit nutty? It’s ok if I am nutty.

Today it is dreay out. We got a lot of rain and there is flooding around the area. I feel dreary myself. I had a good day of volunteering yesterday, went grocery shopping for the week, and then did some cooking at home. It was the first day I got up early and volunteered since I got my cold. Today I’m feeling it. That may make me sound wimpy, but oh well. I want to stay in my pajamas for a while and just lay low today. I have been trying not to take decongestants, to ween myself off of them, but it hasn’t happened yet. This morning I woke up with my right ear hurting because all the fluid traveled to my ear. Oh fun. Yes, I’m whiny this morning.

I’m 8dpo today and as each day passes I feel more and more convinced that I’m not pregnant. Yes, I still have some hope, but it’s getting pushed farther back. I have little cramps here and there, but not much else. I know that a lot of people don’t get symptoms as you guys keep reminding me (thanks), but I’m still not convinced. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I also have a couple of questions. Since I use ovidrel does that mean I will always ovulate my follicles? Since I use progesterone suppositories does that mean that they will increase my progesterone levels no matetr what? Just wondering.

I at least have some things to look forward to that will hopefully get me through the rest of this 2ww. I applied for a neat sounding job where I volunteer. I mentioned it to the head person I report to and she sent an email to the department the job is in. So maybe that will help me. Also, on saturday we are going over to my in-laws. I will be helping my MIL with making holiday cookies. Each year she makes huge batches of many different kinds of cookies. She will be making my favorite – date balls – especially so that I can eat some while helping. Yum.

*edit*
As the drugs have been kicking in I have started to feel a little better. I started thinking of my tortoise status. If it took me to day 30 to be able to use my ovidrel would it be possible that my body is also really slow in getting to the implantation stage and showing me any symptoms? Who knows, just a thought.

We went to see my parents this weekend to celebrate a late Thanksgiving and an early Hannukah. It was nice to see my parents again. It was also good to get away from normal life, which made time go by faster. On saturday we did a lot of eating, watched two movies, and it snowed all day. We went shopping on sunday and then headed home. My cold is still here, but I’m hoping I’m heading towards the end of it. I’m still surviving on my Sudafed and Benadryl. When I’m on the drugs it’s like it’s barely there, but when they wear off it’s not so fun.

I’m 6dpo today. I have to admit I was doing some googling a bit. It made me feel better that many of the ones I read didn’t have any symptoms until at least 7dpo. I am hoping implantation happens soon. I have been looking at the toilet paper to see if I see any bits of blood. I have had some symptoms that “could” be pregnancy symptoms, but mostly can be attributed to something else such as major burping when I haven’t even had any soda in over a week or anything bubbly, gas, and more reflux than usual. My bo.obs felt heavier than usual during part of our trip home, but that is probably something to do with the seatbelt. So I guess I have to wait and see. I figure that until friday most symptoms are not really pregnancy symptoms. It doesn’t stop me from hoping though. I go between thinking that it hasn’t worked to having some hope that it might have. Husband thinks I’m nuts that I keep hoping that my bo.obs start hurting.